RIP Hulkamania

(originally published at here)

In June of 2007, WWE held its annual June pay-per-view, Vengance. Vengence is noteworthy because of one match on the card that never happened. The vacant ECW Championship (ECW at the time being a WWE-owned brand) was supposed to be up for grabs between up-and-coming CM Punk and the legendary veteran Chris Benoit. However, Benoit no-showed the PPV, and so instead the undercard high-flyer Johnny Nitro defeated Punk to win the belt. At the time, no one knew why the normally on-point, on-task Benoit no-showed such a huge show. Not long after, the horrifying reason why was discovered.

Over the course of that weekend, Chris Benoit murdered his wife Nancy (formerly Nancy Sullivan AKA Woman) and his son Daniel before hanging himself. It had started with an arguement between Chris and Nancy that had come to blows again, only this time ending with Nancy dead. Benoit spent the rest of the night in a confused, mentally broken stupor before smothering Daniel to death with a pillow, to spare him the shame of living as the son of a murderer and his victim. Unable to cope with the horror of what he did, he proceeded to place bibles by their corpses before hanging himself in the weight room, texting a suicide note of sorts to his friend Chavo Gurerro (nephew of the late great Eddie Gurerro).

At first, it was treated as an unsolved mystery, and WWE ran the standard tribute for Benoit. However, as more details came out while the live broadcast was going on, it became obvious that WWE was honoring a murderer. In response, WWE essentially removed Chris Benoit from history- his championship wins (including a historic victory over both Triple H and Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 20) and other accomplishments (winning the 2004 Royal Rumble, being a part of “The Radicalz” who left WCW for WWF in what was considered the final part of WWF winning the Monday Night Wars) had all ceased to happen according to WWE record books. For a while, it was even a verb- When someone was “Benoit’d” they were erased from history, a modern version of what the Romans called damnatio memoriae or what George Orwell called making an “unperson” in reference to Stalinst practices. The only real other contemporary people to be subjected to the practice for moral reasons are former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky and British entertainer Jimmy Saville, both avid child rapists.

And now, the immortal Hulk Hogan has joined their ranks.

Supposedly, leaked audio from his sex tape with radio personality/literal cuck (more on that later) Bubba The Love Sponge’s wife has him just calling them niggers when referencing his issues with this daughter. Hogan went on to say that he doesn’t want his daughter dating a black man and said he was “a little bit racist”. That’s it.

That’s all Hulk Hogan did, and WWE is now putting him on the same level as Chris Benoit. He’s been pulled from the ongoing reality show Tough Enough and all the presently existing replays have been pulled from their streaming service. References to Hulk have been removed from WWE’s website. According to insider journalist Dave Meltzer, WWE is explicitly telling everyone in the company never to reference Hulk Hogan or even say his name going forward. Any and all Hulk Hogan merchandise has been pulled from the shop. Hogan’s character has been pulled from an upcoming animated cartoon series. They didn’t just fire Hulk Hogan, they’ve all but wiped him from history.

Now for those of you non-autistes who are unfamiliar with wrestling history, Hulk Hogan essentially built the WWE (formerly WWF). When Vince McMahon decided to make the WWF the first real nation-wide wrestling promotion, he needed a big star to really carry the company on. So he brought in Hulk Hogan (powerword Terry Bollea), a fairly skilled wrestler and bodybuilder, gave him an “All-american Hero” gimmick, and had him defeat the dastardly Iranian Iron Shiek for the WWF title, live in Madison Square Garden. In what was called the “Hulkamania” period from 1984 to 1993 Hulk Hogan was a cultural icon and the greatest force in the WWF. When Hogan jumped ship to rival promotion WCW in 1994, he founded the nWo with Kevin Nash and Scott Hall in 1996 to make WCW the largest wrestling promotion in the world. While the more obsessed fans may dislike his slow, heavily theatric style and his backstage prima donna antics, it’s almost impossible to argue that Hogan is one of, if not the biggest name in wrestling history. But now, in this modern world we live in, it’s entirely possible that a man can be removed from the media empire he helped build for the crime of not approving of interracial relationships.

It gets worse. Arguably, the entire reason this is happening is because Hulk Hogan is suing Gawker media for 100 million dollars. Back in 2009/2010, Hulk Hogan was friends with Radio DJ Bubba the Love Sponge. Bubba, as it turns out, is a literal, no-joke, full-on cuck. He had gone on record as asking people more rich and famous than him, like Hogan and noted degenerate Howard Stern, to fuck his wife Heather. Predictably, she is now his ex-wife. Somehow, surveillance footage leaked of the sexual encounter without Hogan’s permission. It found its way to Gawker, who published the “sexy” part of the security camera footage. Understandably upset, Hogan filed suit.

It’s painfully obvious that Gawker is in dire straits. Thanks to Sam Biddle’s crass behavior on twitter, #GamerGate managed to cost them over seven figures from lost advertisements last year. With the outing of a Conde Nast executive, #GamerGate struck again along with the rest of the world and cost them arguably even more, with the editorial staff resigning in protest of the offending article being pulled. And to make things worse, Chuck C. Johnson is also suing Gawker for a considerable amount over the rumors they published about him. With all the money that they’re bleeding, it’s no surprise that they’re hurting. They’re so desperate that they’re rebooting the entire site. If Hogan wins his suit, Gawker is as good as dead.

So even if the National Enquirer originally ran the story about Hogan refusing to let his daughter have a more vibrant vagina, who do you think really stands to gain from this story taking off? It’s not too far off to imagine Gawker sending the transcript to the Enquirer with the hope that it’ll hurt Hogan. After all, Gawker IS known for being full of some of the most spiteful, bitchy people on the planet. These are the same people who published a man telling the story of how he hooked up with Christine O’Donell and defended it as “public interest”.

So this is more than likely your real story. A media outlet, infuriated that they no longer have the power to destroy anyone they don’t like, decided that they would expose the man who will most likely kill them as a racist in hopes that they’ll take him down to hell with them. This man, despite being a highly successful and influential entertainer and pop culture icon, is now destroyed as well, all for the crime of political wrongthink. No one has won, nothing of value was accomplished, society has not benefited in any way possible. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to clown world.

(But hey, it’s not that bad. At the time of this writing, THE DONALD is still in the WWE Hall of Fame. Plus, Coontown just hit 20,000 subscribers on Reddit and is only growing despite measures to contain it.)

Wrestle Kingdom IX: A Night to Remember

                Wrestling fans in the US will sing the praises of Madison Square Garden and Allstate Arena, but any true fan of the sport will tell you that the greatest wrestling venue known to man is the Tokyo Dome, located in the capital city of Japan. The Dome has housed some of the greatest pro wrestling matches of all time. The Dome has hosted a number of some of the greatest matches in wrestling history. New Japan Pro Wrestling has always made it a point to have their first show of the year at the Dome, the show being the NJPW version of Wrestlemania. This show, called Wrestle Kingdom, is known for showcasing some of the most talented wrestlers in the world today. This latest Wrestle Kingdom, Wrestle Kingdom IX, was no exception. It was not only a dazzling display of excellent wrestling, but a celebration of what it meant to be Japanese, with the traditional values of Japan on full display. So without further ado, let’s dive right in and break this show down match by match.

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